Chris Offers You a Taste

Chris Offers You a Taste of the Good Life
One thing that frequently occurs when one is living the good life is that one is given an update on a number for the budget chart. Then what one does is one opens up the budget in Excel and hi-lights the outdated number and replaces it with the fresh new one. This feels like presiding over a really good wedding


Part of being a scientist is being able to block out the noise and focus on whatever knot you’ve given yourself the task of unravelling. Manifestations of this vary from individual to individual, but the habit is unfailingly found in any respected, results-oriented scientist. Albert Einstein famously avoided losing precious energy to closet crises by drastically limiting his wardrobe. Nils Boer is reputed to have gone weeks on end sleeping short nights on his office couch in order to eliminate the ten-minute commute to and from his house, which was two blocks from campus. And who can forget the way that, when faced with a life-threatening challenge, Angus MacGyver seemed to go into a sort of “zone”.

Well, we’re no different. A lot of blocking out goes on here at WAS HQ, a lot of narrow-focusing, a lot of streamlining. As a result, people get ignored, their feelings get bruised, and we’re sorry about that, by the way, for those of you who qualify, and you are legion. Where would we be without our myrmidons? We ask you.

But man do the results speak for themselves. Relativity discovered; sub-molecular dynamics described; Murdoc and his fucking cronies from H.I.T. thwarted; and, of course, some of this era’s hottest rock music doled out. It is with species-benefitting advances in mind, then, that we are scientists registers the following complaint: people are really going overboard with the whole saucy bumper-sticker thing, and it’s becoming distracting, and it’s hurting our work.

You know what we mean, of course. A vanishingly small number of drivers remain who don’t feel compelled by la mode to accesorize their cars with decals demanding that any strangers within eyeshot fuck off. What a disconcerting trend! What’s that? Not sure you agree that there’s a problem? Think we’re over-reacting? Check out some of these bumper stickers we’ve spotted recently; then tell us things haven’t gone too far…

Come on! How uncool is that? What about this one:

Totally out of nowhere! This next one probably takes the cake; not only is it totally mean-spirited, but it must cost a bundle cuz it’s really, really big (we’ve seen versions that cover the rear windshield):

Wow! And what about THIS….

We should probably come clean: that last one we see a lot because it’s on our car.



Danny Dans Dir. of Console Gaming for NES North America
Jim Jimereeno and Andy Antics Chief Creative Officers

Dans: Next item… the side-scroller. We need characters and story so when Japan is here next week we have something to show them. Ideas.
Antics: What about, like, cooking.
Jimereeno: What about princess, dragon, knight, all that.
Dans: I like it. Let’s go with a classic kidnapped princess thing. What’s the twist.
A: A cooking twist.
D: Fuck cooking. Jim?
J: Ah, ah… hmmm…
D: Throw something out.
J: Vegetables. Mushrooms.
D: I don’t want cooking.
J: No, like… She’s princess of the mushroom people. Princess Toadstool.
D: Princess Toadstool. Tremendous. Gimme more. Who’s the bad guy, keep it coming.
J: Turtles!
A: Oo, oo, turtles!
D: Maybe turtles as the minions. The boss can’t be a turtle.
A: Can’t he? I mean think about it.
D: No, he can’t. The boss can’t be a turtle. Clearly not. He’s, he’s… I need ferocity from the boss, not sluggishness and wisdom. Not bookishness.
J: I don’t think you’re thinking of turtles. You’re thinking of owls. Turtles I don’t think you can describe as bookish. Maybe… maybe wise, I guess, if only because they’re kind of measured, but not really bookish.
D: What, you haven’t seen Robin Hood the cartoon? The Disney one? Skippy the turtle? Nerd with glasses?
J: Okay. But still. They’re ill-tempered. They have terrible tempers.
A: Turtles have beaks, right? Sharp?
D: Turtle’s fly off the handle, you’re telling me. The boss isn’t a turtle. If only for variety’s sake.
A: What about a dog. They’re mean.
D: True.
J: A huge dog with a huge turtle shell.
D: I love that.
J: With spikes.
D: I– I love that. Okay. So what happens.
J: Dog invades mushroom kingdom with turtle army, turns mushroom people into bricks, like, like stones… ah… puts princess in the dungeon, and she’s the only one who can undo the spell, the brick spell.
D: Wow. Just– wow. Japan will shit a brick.
A: So to speak! Brick?! Heh heh.
D: Very nice. What about the hero. Who’s the knight.
J: Oh… I mean… fireman, opera singer, barracuda, canteloupe, a pair of… a pair scissors, a… a fucking… a fucking plumber, you know? Almost doesn’t matter.
D: Absolutlely. Pick one. Andy? Pick one.
A: Ummmmmm… plumber I guess.
D: Great. What’s the twist.
J: Twin plumbers. Italian. From, like, Brooklyn.
D: I love that. They’re twins from Brooklyn. Italian plumbers. Names?
J: Mussolini. Mussolini and, and… Tito.
D: Tito? Is Tito Italian?
J: I don’t know to be honest.
A: Mario?
D: That’s Italian.
J: Mario and Luigi.
D: Tremendous. The Mario brothers.
J: So wouldn’t that make their last name Mario? So it’s Mario Mario?
D: I don’t follow.
J: Mario and Luigi Mario? It’s the Wright brothers because their last name was Wright. Orville and Wilbur Wright or whatever. So if they’re the Mario brothers then Mario’s last name is Mario. Mario Mario.
D: Okay. I’m fine with that.
J: Yeah?
D: Definitely.
J: Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, the Mario brothers?
D: It’s almost too good.

More new shows! Q: When

More new shows!
Q: When will we stop?
A: When we are tired.
Q: Are we tired yet?
A: Hells, no!

Some new things: – lots

Some new things:
– lots of new shows (and more to come)
– downloadable versions of the “creeper” and “bomb inside the bomb” videos, for so that you can just go ahead and keep them on your computer and fire them up when you need them – because you will NEED them, and often – rather than having to sit around for three or four hours staring at the Flash loading screen. Once again, WAS has added productive hours to your life. And, once again, you’re going to waste those hours looking up sexual terminlogy in the dictionary. Time to stop whining, Misha.
– a forthcoming tour of the western US (coming in mid-April). Here are towns to be struck by WAS: Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Claremont, Phoenix, El Paso, Dallas, and Houston. If you want to help WAS by giving us tips about where to play, or by setting up a house party for us to rock, or by setting up a house party at which we can lurk in the corner and get liquored up and then steal your things and sell them back to you at very reasonable prices, or by offering us a place to sleep in any of these cities, please do drop us a line. Same goes for any town within, like, a six-hour radius of New York City, at anytime. Get us to you, people!
Some not-so-new things:
– strong hands
– nice teeth
– inappropriate comments

the thing with the writing of Schwarzeneggerian taunts in exchange for prizes and prestige and vainglory

The thing that we had – the thing with the writing of Schwarzeneggerian taunts in exchange for prizes and prestige and vainglory – is now over. We are washing our hands of this business, from now on. This was too much trouble, and while the benefits were great – look at these quotes! these unbelievably amusing and disturbing quotes! – the cost to our psyches was enormous. The dishonesty, it was staggering. Look at you people, you people with your voting over and over for yourselves, with no more shame than is exhibited by your average ant as it (along with its posse) washes over a man and skeletonizes him. Before we name the hero of this episode, we would first like extend a special thanks to Ookla and Doc, two upstanding individuals who were humble and honest enough to admit that their lousy quotes were unworthy of even their own votes. Good job, kids. Not on the quotes, mind you – just the honesty. The quotes were stinky.

But so anyway, who won this thing, this awful, beautiful contest? Let’s take a look at the numbers:

First Ever (and, with luck, First Annual)
Schwarzeneggerian Execution Taunt Contest & Tremendathon

taunter should win the FE(a,wl,FA)ETC&T?

Malcolm (60) 25%
i_am_a_winner (55) 23%
philo (2) 1%
Pancho_the_Bull (50) 21%
ookla_the_mok (0) 0%
Doc (0) 0%
Pope Pius XVII (59.5) 25%
electric_fuzz (8) 3%
MC Shammer (5) 2%

Total Votes:

Yeah, it was Malcolm. Malcolm took that ball and ran with it. He just ran and ran and ran – aimlessly, he ran. But also vigorously. Vigorously, he ran. What vigor! we shouted upon reading Malcolm’s quotes, and we assume that a nation agreed, because the votes are with him. Just like the votes were with the startlingly simian Commander-in-Chief of our Country. Malcolm is the George W. Bush of the WAS nation, and we will follow him to ruination.

Before we wrap this up and allow you to move on to browsing the almost pornographically arousing “photos” page on the website, we’d just like to point out how close this race was. The Pope, a close second, lost it by only 1/2 of a point. 1/2 point?! How is this possible, we ask? The answer, we assume, is that the technology is working for us. Somebody who voted was actually only half a person, or at least only voted half-heartedly, and the computer recognized this, marking the score as such! What intelligence these machines have now! What vigor!