Top Ten Names that you can call WAS guitarist Keith Murray that will really make him angry (because they hit too close to home)

10) Keith Murray, the rapper
09) Senator Keith Murray, the rapper
08) Sexy Man with Very Big Muscles
07) The Hamburgler
06) Grimace
05) The Fry Guys
04) Michael Tapper
03) Sexy Man who is also a Gifted Novelist
02) Sexy Man who is too lazy to think up two more measly gag names
01)

Happy Halloween, you bunch of

Happy Halloween, you bunch of mother-grabbers. You would think that guys like us, guys who trade in songs about fighting monsters and writing Star Trek fan fiction and having big pectorals, that we’d be all about Halloween, right? But no. Not at all. Michael’s going to the Beck/Flaming Lips show, which yeah, you gotta go to the Beck/Flaming Lips show when it comes to town, but unless Beck is dressed up like a space cowboy and the Flaming Lips are pouring fake blood on their heads whilst guys in animal costumes dance in the crowd, then that ain’t no kind of Halloween party. So, come on, Michael. Keith is maybe going to this party thrown by our pals in the Fit, but he has no costume. He was thinking that it would be nice to be a werewolf senator, but he has neither a werewolf costume nor a set of fake senator’s teeth, so he’s fucked. And Chris – there’s no telling what sort of gruesome shit Chris is up to, am I right? We’ll just have to read all about it in tomorrow’s papers.

Forlorn in California

Dear members of We Are Scientists,
I’m in desperate need of advice. However, I
believe that there are many women in need like I am
and this particular predicament is not unique enough
to gain the very much sought after We Are Scientists
advice.
However, for the past few days I’ve experienced
something that has caused quite a lot of confusion and
anxiety for me. I’ve been having these extremely
elaborate, explicit and exquisite dreams featuring a
particular member of the band, “We Are Scientists.” I
can’t explain the origins of these very detailed
dreams… I also would assume you prefer I omit the
details of these dreams as I know this is a family
site.
Of course, I assume this may never reach the
actual web page…. however, what am I to possibly do
with such a thing? I’m starting to rather enjoy these
dreams and don’t know exactly how to go about handling
them… I don’t believe that traveling to each of
your shows and living them out backstage is quite
plausible, nor feasible. I’m very confused and
frustrated. Please help scientists.
Sincerely,
Forlorn in California
(also known as: Califorlornia)
First of all, it’s important for you to realize that this sort of thing is PERFECTLY NORMAL for a girl your age. Frankly, it’s a little disconcerting to us that your parents or healthcare provider haven’t yet had that little sit-down talk with you, about the birds and the bees and the We Are Scientists. If they’re not going to handle this, then it’s up to us, we guess.
Having this manner of dream about We Are Scientists is part of growing up and becoming a woman (it’s part of becoming a man, too, by the way, so any guys who are reading this can stop worrying). Let’s take a look at the charts, shall we?

Stages of Puberty

1 Age Range: Usually 8-11
In Stage 1 there are no outside signs of development, but a girl’s ovaries are enlarging and hormone production is beginning. She enjoys We Are Scientists, but only “for the music.”
2 Age Range: Usually 8-14. Average: 11-12
The first sign is typically the beginning of breast growth, including “breast buds.” A girl may also grow considerable height and weight. The first signs of pubic hair start out fine and straight, rather than curly. She notices an acute increase in her own interest in We Are Scientists, but writes it off as an “appreciation of their sweet guitar licks and soaring harmonies.” Still, she can’t help but notice Michael Tapper’s strong jaw and rippling biceps.
3 Age Range: Usually 9-15. Average: 12-13
Breast growth continues, and pubic hair coarsens and becomes darker, but there still isn’t a lot of it. Her body is still growing, and body fat is developing. Some girls get their first menstrual periods late in this stage. We Are Scientists becomes a core interest. Posters are plastered on bedroom walls. T-shirts are donned. Chris Cain dolls are toted about in patented WAS Keith Murray-shaped backpacks. We Are Scientists, meanwhile, purchase their third mansion on the Maltese coast.
4 Age Range: Usually 10-16. Average: 13-14
Pubic hair growth continues. Underarm hair is likely to appear in this stage, as is menarche. Ovulation (release of egg cells) begins in some girls, but typically not in a regular monthly routine until Stage 5. This stage also marks the onset of incessant yet wonderful WAS-related dreams. Oh, those dreams! She begins to dread her waking hours, when WAS is so far away, and not wearing a matching set of lime-green thongs.
5 Age Range: Usually 12-19. Average: 15
This is the final stage of development, when a girl is physically an adult. Breast and pubic hair growth are complete, and her full height is usually attained by this point. Menstrual periods are well established, and ovulation occurs monthly. Interest in WAS decreases dramatically, and is often replaced by an appreciation for firearms, musical theatre, and prop-based comedy. “What the fuck,” is our question here.
So, yeah, Califorlornia. We’re guessing you’re, what, 13 years old? Maybe 14? Give it a year or two. Soon, you’ll be ignoring WAS like all of the other girls, rushing past us to grope at the hem of Carrot Top’s red velour sports coat.
we are scientists

A Pleasant Game

Many people have commented on the startling resemblance between the members of WAS, often citing the incredibly slim probability of three boys of such breathtaking beauty winding up in the same time/place. What fewer people seem to notice, however, is the really eerie physical similarity between the WAS crew and Iraqi ne’er-do-well Saddam Hussein. In the group of photographs below, can you spot which are the members of WAS and which is Hussein?

Answer: It was a trick question. All of those photos are of WAS drummer Michael Tapper.

It is currently cold and

It is currently cold and wet in NYC. Where does New York get off, delivering this sort of weather to we, who have just returned from California (which, sure, was sort of dismal, weather-wise, too, but in its own West Coast sort of way, which is to say that it was pretty damned pleasant, no matter what)? Keith grew up in Miami, and so has no tolerance for this cold weather nonsense. He has responded to this whole meteorological disaster by coming down with a ridiculous fever/sore throat deal. He has vowed to stay in bed with long underwear on until Michael drops by and tells him that its 85 degrees and sunny out again.
Although the show Tuesday night at the Luna Lounge was up to the usual WAS standards (i.e., better than any other show by any other band, ever), Keith, unconvinced that debilitating illness was enough of a handicap, managed to both break a string without having brought a replacement and to somehow trip on his guitar cord, thereby pulling his amplifier down atop him, a move that he tried to play off by then attacking the offending amp with his guitar. The club-goers were not fooled, though. Keith is a clumsy geek. Michael and Chris are currently conferring, trying to figure out how to kick him out of the band in the most painful way possible.
[a few hours later . . .]
Once again, the joke is on Keith. Mere hours after he wrote the previous post, the sun came up, and it turned out that it was an unimpeachably beautiful day in NYC. Can Keith not get even one good, sustained sulk in, for once? No, it turns out. He cannot. He will get out of bed now.

I would like to go

I would like to go ahead right now and just personally thank whomever is responsible for California, because they’ve really done quite a job, there. A nice state.
And, yeah, thanks to all of the folks who came out to the shows and made it well worth the trip. Holy sweet hell, that was something else, dubbed “the two best shows we’ve ever played” by 2/3’s of WAS, with the other 1/3 probably agreeing, but he wasn’t around while we two were gushing and swearing and practically french-kissing each other with joy over how much fun those shows were. We’re going to do all that we can to get back out there in the Spring, because we NEED that. So, let us know if you’ve got the sort of hook-ups we need to make that sort of thing happen. Also, let us know if you want to buy a house in Los Angeles and let us live in it, because we are ready to do that, like, tomorrow.
For everyone else who missed these SoCal shows – sorry. They were good. We’ll make it up to you.
Of note: we’ve recorded a new EP, “Bitching!,” which was originally to be sold only to the kids in LA, because they are so loyal and frenzied and full of heart, but now we’re thinking that just maybe every family in America is going to need one of these babies, and so, yeah, it will be available to everyone, starting: now. Come to shows, buy our new CD. It is so amazing, we cry every time we hear it. In a good way, though, the crying.