Holy cow. So, we've recently

Holy cow. So, we’ve recently played a big, long string of shows, some of which we’d advertised here and some of which we kept as our own dirty little secrets, because sometimes we get a kick out of keeping you guys in the dark. Will you ever really trust us again after having read this confession? Maybe not. Should you trust us? Don’t be an imbecile – of course you should. We know what is best.
Or do we? Because, you see, what with this whole slew of shows that we’ve tackled, it appears that we’ve forgotten all about booking more of them. So now, here we are, showless. What were we thinking? The problem is that, with clubs, you generally have to book a show a good month in advance, which means that we could spend the whole of August sitting on our hands. Which we like, sure, but which turns out to be not so good in terms of the spreading of the WAS gospel.
So, we will try. You kids will not be allowed to go hungry. In the meantime, we should reiterate that we are more than willing to come to you – to come right into your home and put on our big WAS show, which includes the music and the butts and maybe also the delivery of some one-act plays by Harold Pinter as interpreted by Chris.

Hey, kids! It's time for the very first installment of "Uncle Justin's Tips N' Tricks for the Promotion of WAS"

(actual suggestions made to WAS by Justin, who is not our Uncle)
Do you have any friends who are the children of famous people? Better, do
you know any 20-30 year old hot young actors/actresses? If you add just one
of these to the WAS crew, you will at least get a little press. Hell, if
you held auditions with those criteria and publicized it right, you could
probably get press based on that (actually, that might be the better
approach—nothing the press likes better than cynical gimmicks). So these
are good ideas. Maybe five band-days of work and you achieve a modicum of
national recognition.


Dear Scientists,

In conjunction to a long tradition of rock and rolls icons such as Jim Morrison, David Lee Roth, and many others, I have a favor to ask of Sunday’s show.

I’ll will be traveling from Washington D.C. to NYC Sunday night and it is impossible for me to arrive before 10pm. Plus I don’t know how much longer it will take me to get to Brownies. As a loyal Claremont supporter, I am asking if you boys could stall the show for a while? Perhaps arrive intoxicated, break a few things, spend extra time tuning, chat up the audience? If that doesn’t work and you’re forced to start, perhaps Keith could systematically break every one of his guitar strings until a solid delay was reached.

Yes, these ideas (and other far more clever time-honored, experience-honed rock and roll tricks) are selfish ploys to keep me from missing the whole of a We Are Scientists show. I would never ask We Are Scientists to compromise the music (everyone knows the rockability of it), but only punctuality.

Yours sincerely,
Cooter “Cootie” Cooterson


Oh, man – this puts us in a tight spot. Tighter than we like, really. Boy, do we ever want to stall the show for you. Things like setting the cuffs of our pants on fire and throwing ourselves through plate glass – these things we would gladly do for you. Unfortunately, they would do none of us any good at all. Brownies is smarter than we, and when we try to pull our patented brand of show-delaying antics, they just nod with derision and tap the face of their watches. I swear on a pack of Twizzlers that the last time we played there, Chris and i stepped out for a slice of pizza a half hour before our set time, and when we returned, Michael was already on the stage, his drum kit fully assembled, waiting for us with a sheepish grin on his face, the biological clock of our set already ticking away. So, sadly, our stalling at the show will do us no good. We can waste all the time that we want, but Brownies will not give in. They are made of tougher stuff.

If you’re not getting into NYC until 10:00, it looks like bad news for the lot of us. There are some options, though:
1) you can come see us at Luxx on the 24th (if you’re still in town, that is).
2) we can play an acoustic set in your home or in the home of your close friends and then we can have a pajama jammy jam with ice cream (ice cream and pajamas not provided by we are scientists).
3) you can go back to claremont and tell everyone that We Are Scientists screwed you in terms of the whole “refusing to push back the set time” thing, and everyone there can join you in an unprecedented display of
unison loathing.

i hope things work out for the best for all of us.

we are scientists

Guys, guys! Hi, guys! Just

Guys, guys! Hi, guys!
Just a quick update here for so that you know about the various famous-making things that are going on around the old headquarters here.
First, there is this show. It is coming up soon, on Wednesday. It will be upon us before you know it. The show, it will be at Luxx, which just happens to be the finest rock and roll-vending establishment in all of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which itself is known for its proud housing of artists and musicians of all ilk, who coexist happily and peacefully, united by their unchecked devotion to the creation of masterworks and also by their carefully touseled hairdos.
This show, it will be terrific. Because, holy crow, kids, it is a We Are Scientists show, and the We Are Scientists always do it right. But also, we are being joined by The Fit, who we love both personally and professionally and, hell, also romantically. See them and grow rich.
Also, a side note: our friends over at Speechwriter’s LLC have finally completed an EP, which is good for them and is good for you. Because they are pure and fine and without greed, they have posted the entire collection of songs on their website, which you should hit right now if you care at all about songs with finely crafted melodies and intelligent, clever, and earnest lyrics. But, then, wait: why the hell are you HERE?

19 Actual Results of a Google Search on the Phrase "we are scientists", Which Results May or May Not Relate to WAS

  • We are a team. We are magicians. We are scientists.
  • We are scientists, and when the experiments fail to hold us, binding us in delight and the flare of burning magnesium, we take flight.
  • … Jonah’s Onelinedrawing. New End Original. Dredg. Peter Case. We Are Scientists. The Dismemberment Plan. The Flaming Lips. Low. Fugazi. Godspeed, You Black Emperor! …
  • Happy! Calm! Beautiful! We Are Scientists! …
  • … Making contact, and doing so gracefully, honorably and most importantly, ethically. We are scientists first and foremost.
  • PBD / Who We Are / SCIENTISTS.
  • Dear We Are Scientists, I’m looking for your advice on a problem I have right now.
  • … We had to develop very large quantities of germplasm and concurrently develop our capacity to do rapid grain assays. We are scientists, not detectives. …
  • Why is this happening? Maybe because we are scientists.
  • cap’n jazz- we are scientists from: self-titled 7″. we are scientists-. cotton preshrunk displays games we play, colors run and colors, fade, i can’t pick a side …
  • We Are Scientists, We Use Scientific Notation! …
  • . “We are not like Indiana Jones,” he insisted, “we are scientists, and do everything carefully.”.
  • … a HUGE thank you goes out to the guys from we are scientists for allowing me to get their cd [safety, fun and learning (in that order)] without suffient funds. …
  • We are not technical writers. We are scientists with excellent writing skills!
  • We could say that we are scientists trying to find a simple explanation to the paranormal world. We could say that we are the most knowledgeable at this topic. …
  • … make us what we are. Scientists look for facts under the brightest street lamp, and that illumination may come from a rare disease. …
  • So we are scientists – but how do we measure up as scientists?
  • … The Nighties join We Are Scientists and others at the Velvet Lounge June 14. Blues woman Cathy Ponton King is at Madam�s Organ June 14. …
  • I think our future is very bright. Because we are scientists

Recent Celebrity Sightings (as relayed to WAS by Chris of WAS)

Gretchen Moll and Paul Rudd, Pastis Bistro, Meatpacking District – My first real celebrity-sighting in NYC. They sat down at a table 10 feet to my left during lunch. I barely even recognized Rudd, he looked so bad; all bearded and slovenly, going for that Regular Joe Film Star look and hitting only the first part. Gretchen Moll, whom I’ve never been that impressed with, was f-ing hot. I proposed marriage several times over the course of the meal in my head. Even in my head she said no.
Christina Ricci, Pastis again, different day – I was eating outside this time. Christina Ricci stood outside the door looking all pale and thin and quiet, flowing even. Maybe she was checking out the menu. I can’t remember whether she went inside; I just see her standing there effervescing and shit.
Julian Schnabel, Pastis, same day as C.R. – I’ll be honest: I don’t know Julian Schnabel, notorious art-film director and painter, from an overweight balding dude schlepping with great difficulty his own ass across the sun-starched cobble square toward Pastis – which is exactly what he was doing on the day in question – but the person I was with I.D.ed him and is to be trusted on matters of this sort, so yeah, whoa, Julian Schnabel, darling directoire, perfidious peintre, comb-over shyly waving in the wind.
Liza Minelli, sidewalk, Lexington and E. 70s – Short and badger-like in appearance, with an emphasis on the shortness and the badgerosity. I just passed her while walking north; she was standing outside a deli talking to someone. What else can be said? Liza Minelli is not imposing.
Carol Kane, Astor Place, E. Village – I saw this Carol Kane-looking woman walking toward me and remarked to myself that she resembled Carol Kane. Then she spoke to her walking buddy in that little helium voice and I noted this was Carol Kane here that I was dealing with.

Hello again. We know that

Hello again. We know that it may appear to many of you that We Are Scientists has begun to forget about The Music. “I mean,” you say to your friends, tears spilling down your cheeks and into the pudding mix below, “they only play a show, like, once every TWO WEEKS! What kind of band is that? Once in two weeks? That is never enough when one is speaking of We Are Scientists, which I am.”
You say that to your friends, and they can only agree, because although they see us every day – there we are, smiling on yet another cover of People Magazine, wrestling with our buddies Leonardo “Leo” DiCaprio and Tobey “Fudgecicle” Maguire on Entertainment Tonight, driving a Ferrari off of a bridge and parachuting to safety in the preview for our upcoming film, “XXX” – they still find themselves starved for the explosive rock shows that first brought us into the public eye. So, we will now deliver:
Brownies, this Sunday.
There you are. Please enjoy. We love you so dearly.

Several of WAS's favorite jokes as identified by their punchlines

  • Hardly; I’ve half a mind to breach the subject!
  • [in French accent] Please, mon Dieu, ne me touchez pas la! Don’t touch me there PLEASE!!!!!
  • [in posh British accent] Excuse the presumption, Minister, but hand-cuffs have never been my cup of tea; cufflinks more likely! Now unhand my daughter, the leprechaun.
  • It just goes to show: A tip of the hat isn’t always what’s called for. Even though obviously in this case it was.
  • So the angel brushes the oatmeal from her laps and says, “If it’s breakfast I had wanted, I could just as easily have gone to IHOP!”
  • That ain’t no shabbily-clothed peasant, mister… It’s a lion!

No time for jokes, just

No time for jokes, just facts.
FACT: Michael is off to LA for a week and a half starting Wednesday evening. Fans of WAS who feel like taking him out for a drink or showing him off at a party should submit requests to us via email. Things to keep in mind about Michael if you

Dear WAS Employees:

Dear WAS Employees:
The rumors are flying concerning the recent departure of two key individuals from our company. They are flying, and they are quite often spurious, so this – here – is rumor control. I want to explain these resignations to the extent that it’s possible for me to do so. And that’s actually to a pretty large extent, as I have been good friends with both Gene and Steve for quite some time. We were boys together in Andover during the war, you might say.
To boil it down to the essentials, Gene is leaving for money. He was being paid several hundred thousand dollars per year by WAS, and The Paddington Bear Historical Restoration Society has offered him nearly twenty five dollars more than that annually. Gene is no idiot. Gene has to look out for Gene, and twenty five dollars will buy Gene a lot of Skittles, is Gene’s thinking as he’s reported it to me over glasses of Dewar’s and tea-cups of Skittles.
Steve’s situation is a slightly different one. “Steve is leaving to pursue other things,” reads the press release that we issued to all employees and the public at large last week, and that’s not so terribly far from the truth. Steve – ‘Herr Stevedore’ as we all used to call him on the hopscotch court – is leaving to pursue Herr Stevedore’s Dream. He has decided that the only good seal is a dead seal and is going to rely on his savings to support him while he undertakes to “club them right the hell off this spinning seal-ridden rock.” Now, why is HS doing this? Whence his belief in the disposability of seals? Without violating HS’s privacy on this issue, I can tell you that it has to do with the filth. HS says that seals are “filthy, filthy, filthy” and that he can’t abide that kind of filth and furthermore that he won’t. He says that nothing that filthy can be allowed to sit out there on the rocks and bark all afternoon. I can tell you that he’s kind of fixated on that image, the image of them out there on the rocks barking for the better part of the afternoon.
So I hope that helps. I know that losing Steve and Marty or whatever the hell his name is is sort of a shake-up. It’s sort of a trying time that we all have to try to get through together, by remembering them as they were during the good times, and not as they are right now, out there on the shores of Patagonia with an aluminum bat and rain gear.