Pleasant Fictions

There once were a girl named Bistabat who loved, above all else, her life. Depending on how you look at it, that sort of outlook could seem either self-centered or a great example of positive thinking. It was neither, though, because Bistabat’s life was perfect, in nearly every detail. So it was just perceptiveness, really. She was not a lustful person, but whatever she did lust after she got – whether it was fashionable, well-made clothes we’re talking or a nice sit-down dinner with Keith, her innocent, well-formed neighbor, followed by a sexing. She was rarely sad, but when she was it never lasted and was always interesting for her and her friends and enriching besides. She was far from dependent on others for a good time, but impressive by any standard was the abundance of intelligent, active people who would list among their most treasured (and coveted) possessions Bistabat’s friendship. One day, however, Bistabat was rocking in her rocking chair – an heirloom whose frame was cut from walnut by her own great-grandfather – when the chair suddenly tumbled and so did she and she died from a bad break of the neck.
It would seem, then, that Bistabat’s life was nothing more than a…

So, for those of you

So, for those of you who fail to check every page that constitutes the We Are Scientists Conglomeration of Super-Fun Web Action Centre, I will run the risk of rendering the content of our “Shows” page utterly redundant and mention that, people, we’ve got a show this Sunday. But before I go ahead and spill the beans to all of you who just can’t deign to check all branches of this mini-library we’ve painstakingly thrown up here just for you, I just wanna/hafta say this: you guys, you’ve got to check every page every day. I mean, if we ever get around to updating some of these pages, you’ll never know unless you’re checking with some degree of vigilance. And a good, steady, easy-to-remember level of vigilance, we think, is once a day. So, a new regimen for you: check every page every day. We promise to update every three months or so. Another part of that regimen should be sit-ups. Because of your belly, which is getting out of hand.
So, a show! Check the “Shows” page. Yeah, I’ve changed my mind about this. I will not just freely give this information up. I give up too much of myself already, and I feel ready to take back now. This is some empowerment action that’s going on here. So, check that “Shows” page, and learn about us, playing. Please. I am willing to beg, it would appear. It turns out I am not so empowered after all. I will beg you to check the “Shows” page, and then I will go ahead and give up the information, right here, and save you the effort: Brownies, this Sunday (June 9), 8:45 PM. There will be copies of the brand new CD for sale.
I can’t go on like this.

We Want You Listening For a Lifetime


Used wisely, your new sound equipment will provide a lifetime of fun and enjoyment. [Corporate Name Removed] recommends you avoid prolonged exposure to excessive noise. This list of sound levels is included for your protection.
Decibel Level Example
30 Quiet library, soft whispers, lingering doubts
40 Living room, bedroom away from traffic, moral transgressions
50 Air conditioner at 20 feet, crushing failure after graduation
70 Vacuum cleaner, hair dryer at one foot, bugs (assorted)
80 Average city traffic, alarm clock, your sanctimonious brother at two feet
THE FOLLOWING NOISES CAN BE DANGEROUS UNDER CONSTANT EXPOSURE
90 Subway, lawn mower, your own excuses echoing in your head
100 Garbage truck, those sniggering coworkers, because JUST WHAT ARE THEY SNIGGERING AT FOR SO LONG, ANYWAY?
120 Rock band concert, thunderclap, the clap (again)
140 Gunshot blast, jet plane, dialogue from any given film by Hal Hartley
180 Rocket launching, and, again, you’re not on it