So, we’re sitting around, now, waiting for the album to come to us. Nuthin’ to do. Clipping the toenails. Drumming our fingers on the tabletop. Our work here is done.
We received an email from the folks at Devious Semantics (the label that pays us), and this email was a sort of dossier concerning the proper way to handle queries concerning the prolonged delay of this album (which they likened to “a cloth of pure gold, softer than silk, and ultra-conductive” (really, they said this) and which WILL be available in mid-April, no shit). After a string of joke suggestions (at least, we think they were jokes, because they hinted at child molestation. You think we are kidding, but we are not. They guys at Devious Semantics are sick, sick bastards), they offered this little tidbit:
IN A MOMENT OF BLINDING SINCERITY, YOU MAY RESORT
TO THE TRUTH: “IT WAS AN AGRESSIVE PROJECT FOR A YOUNG COMPANY,
FORGED IN FRIENDSHIP AND PRESERVED BY GOOD FAITH.
YOU’LL SEE/HEAR/FEEL WHAT I MEAN. ANYWAYS, WHAT THE
FUCK DO YOU DO WITH YOUR SPARE TIME, FUCK-O?”
So, that is the low-down for you kids out there. We love our record label (but we don’t condone their terrible acts).
[3/20/2002 10:08:34 AM | We Are Scientists]
Have we mentioned to you guys just how very much we like Speechwriters LLC? Let us mention this now, then: we like Speechwriters LLC a whole hell of a lot.
These kids came touring through town recently, and our interaction was simply beautiful. Just a bunch of guys mutually admiring each other. “We like your band, Misha,” we said several times. “Thanks, guys, ” he replied. “And I like your shirts.”
They’re a CA duo (or trio, when they condescend to allow a drummer to join up), and they do the acoustic singer/songwriter thing as well as anybody else. Choose anyone, anyone at all, and Dave and Misha will trump them. They played a damn fine show at NYC’s own black hole, the Sidewalk Cafe, and they just blew that shit up. I mean, a black hole is supposed to absorb light, right? Explain to us, then, how Speechwriters LLC was able to glow so unbelievably brightly, right there in the heart of the Sidewalk, that most dense of all interstellar sandtraps. You, with your degrees in astrophysics and journalism, you can’t explain it to us.
In any case, the Speechwriters were kind enough to invite us to hop onto a bill with them when we go out to California in April, and for this, we are forever in their debt. I mean, not forever, but still, it was very nice of them. We are excited. Get excited, people.
Hey. You guys know Scott Lamb, right? Scott Charmichael Lamb? Well, he’s back in we are scientists. This is effective sometime this coming summer. Prepare.
Here’s the thing, back in the day, when WAS was formed, there was this guy named Scott Lamb, and he did much in the way of writing songs and being the lead singer and packing one incredibly tight ass into a pair of even tighter leather chaps. Anyway, for various reasons (many of them involving Keith’s poor drumming skills), the decision was made to transplant WAS to Los Angeles, where a young and nubile and wicked little drummer named Michael Tapper resided. Well, Mr. Lamb told Keith and Chris that they could take their move and shove it, as he was living it up in Oakland and would only move when prompted by hunger and kill-craziness. So, with the seats of their pants still aching from his evil kicks, Chris and Keith beat a swift retreat to Los Angeles, and then, having packed Michael into a duffel, to NYC. The rest, of course, is history, and can be read about in any of the better trade publications or in actual history books.
But now Mr. Lamb is back. For whatever reason (if anything so exclusively human as “reason” can be applied to Mr. Lamb), Scott will soon be making his way to this neck of the woods, and has demanded the swift return of “[his] band.” So, we will return the band to him, the rightful owner of we are scientists.
But, you say, we are scientists is so potent as a trio! How can you possibly alter this winning formula, this formula that is to rock as Mr. Heinz’s 57th patented formula is to ketchup? Let us only assure you that you have no fucking idea what the hell you’re talking about. Scott Lamb is going to blow your damned head off with his rock power. We are excited. You, too, are excited, even if you’re not sure why. And anyways, we’ve tasted Heinz’s 58th ketchup formula, and, oh my god, you have no idea. You really haven’t the faintest clue.
Hello to you. From us.
Isn’t that nice? An interesting thing about the word hello is that it had to compete with ahoy as the telephone greeting. As you may know, it indeed prevailed as the telephone greeting of choice, even though it was Alexander Graham Bell who suggested ahoy. The whole thing foreshadows We Are Scientists so nicely (we’re hello, get it? hello?).
Now what we have for you here is a list of issues that we need to bring up with you. The list will follow the following colon:
- We heard half of the new album, Safety, Fun, and Learning (In That Order), last night, and it sounds damn good. Damnably good indeedy.
- Introducing ask a scientist! Read it, learn from your mistakes, and then ask us about your next conundrum. Just email your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
- The discussion board sucks. We know. We know you know. It will be replaced soon. Please don’t go to it until we say differently, or else we’ll attack you with a million pop-up ads. For the sake of your mental health, please don’t try us.
- On the (other) page in this website, you will find a new poll. Go vote! But remember that this is a scientific study, so please treat it accordingly, i.e. don’t cheat by repeatedly erasing the freepolls cookie from your temporary internet files folder and re-voting.
- Finally, we thought we ought to tell “some people” (you know who you are) that you’ve been developing a sort of lisp, which isn’t necessarily bad by any means, but which, when obviously feigned for dramatic or super-feminizing effect, can come off as phony, and nobody wants to be a phony. We just thought you should know.
And now we’ll say “goodbye.”
Things ARE moving along. Do you doubt us? That is disconcerting.
No, listen. Just listen for once, instead of always talking over us. And stop being so impossible. If you have a point to make, then make it, just stop off-handedly refuting everything we say. Okay?
Album: quickly being mastered.
Deadlines: being set, although if you think that we’re going to state these deadlines in any definite manner in this sort of public venue after all we’ve been through (i.e., the rather grandiose declarations we’d made about a January release and whatnot), well, sir, you are a damned fool.
Artwork for album: coming along quite nicely, thanks.
So: soon my pretties. Soon.
This site should have some updates soon, with some new musical-type clips, some other rather non-musical-type clips, and some new-ish photos, so that you guys can see just how Michael has grown since December. “His musculature is rather commanding,” was one comment we’ve had regarding Michael’s development. Also said was, “He is skinny, like all of you scientist-types.” So, maybe things haven’t changed as much as we’ve been fantasizing.